If something lines up with God's word and you have the heart to go ahead and follow it, I do not believe God will say "no". "Not yet", or "Not in the way you were thinking", but not "No."

This adoption process has felt like a "No", but I can't trust my feelings. I know that my heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9...can I get an amen?!)

God's clear about His heart for the orphans, His very own adoption plan for us that have been reconciled to Himself through the blood of Jesus Christ.

God wants us to follow Him with abandon. So, here we are Lord. I don't think you're saying "No"...but what are you saying?

Maybe we were holding on too tightly to what we thought was the "right" decision for our family. Jason and I have talked about this at length. We thought Colombia would be the best decision for us, and that it would be fine if we went ahead and proceeded that way. But maybe that's not at all where we're suppose to bring our child home from.

Maybe we're too narrow-minded. Maybe our scope simply wasn't wide enough.

Going back a couple of days ago, through a series of events, I had a thought: a big part of our hearts our in Africa. Yes, it's a continent, not a country. I'm pain-stakingly aware. Jason and I met in South Africa on a mission trip and have since had longings to go back and explore the whole entire land that is Africa! No place else on earth tugs at my heart strings like Africa. Whenever I hear or see anything related to that beautiful continent, a piece of me just jumps up and shouts "yes!! I relate with that. I LOVE that land." I don't know how else to explain it.

I've been asked my good friends "I'm suprised you don't want to adopt from a country in Africa..?"

With tears in my eyes, let me share with you the honest truth.

I have fears. Deep fears. And however normal they are to adoptive parents, and commonplace in most people's experience of adoption, it scares the crap outta me. Namely, what if I don't love my child that came to us through adoption like Landon and Charlotte? What if they come home and I turn out to be this horrible mother that is trying to put on a good show but everyone can see the genuine love isn't there? Maybe love for A child but not as my OWN child...? What if I'm really not as loving as my Savior calls me to be? That I long to be?

And so, my thought was "maybe if we adopt from a country where they child as somewhat similar skintone, it'll come easier". I know. Horrible. Awful. Like, do people really think these things?! Yep. Apparently I do

Deep concerns and fears (some healthy, others not) creep up like: how will our child clearly of another race be treated? At school? In our community? At our church? Will they be able to handle it? Will I?...How can I protect them? Show them they're beautiful, just how God intended them to be, in our white-as-all-white family? How will my family react?

I long to be the kind of woman, Christ-follower, mother that loves unconditionally. And I'm begining to realize (with the strong encouragement from my husband) that despite my fears, I think I can and will love an adopted child, our child just as I love our biological children, by the grace of God. It may not come overnight. Maybe not even a couple of weeks. But, I can come. I've heard too many encouraging stories.

Ethiopia is an open country, meaning you can currently adopt from there. We're thinking Ethiopia - are YOU the country that our son is from?? So pray with us as we enter into this vastness of the unknown, the uncomfortable...the walking by faith. Wanting to be right where God wants us, with hearts wide-open to His plan.

When I see things about orphans it breaks my heart. Like, I can almost hear it breaking. And the Lord, in His goodness and Soverignty is saying "Wait".

We've had some funds come in, praise God! We really feel as though we need to have about a quarter of the funds in before we proceed with going into the adoption agency and start the homestudy process. We have a long way to go before we meet this goal.

So here we are, waiting for God to supernaturally make funds appear, as He does, so we can move forward. But, we know He has a reason. He always does. God never does things hap-hazardly. Maybe we need to learn something. Maybe Landon and Charlotte need to be just a bit older. Maybe God's waiting for our son to be born.


Whatever the case, I just hope He keeps our hearts breaking, longing for our son and for orphans everywhere to find a loving home. I hope God keeps this at the forefront of our minds at all times, that we would increase in prayers and love for this dear child we haven't met.

Organizing Landon's clothes usually makes me sad. Having to sort through all the old ones, the ones that are too small, makes me frown a little and even want to say (with an Austin Powers accent) "tear".

I usually think about what a big boy he's becoming. How my baby, my precious boy is just growing up far too fast.

But not today.

Today I was excited. Today I felt God was with me with me. Right there, in Landon's very room. Today, I had a smile on my face going through "my baby's" too-small outfits.

Today I realized, our second son will wear these clothes.

I'm getting so choked up as I write this. What a blessing, an absolute blessing it will be to have him home here with the rest of the fam. We don't know him, or anything about him. We think we know his nationality. But there's many things we don't know: his age, what he looks like, what his bio parents are like, what part of the country he's from, what his experiences have been (and is he even born yet??).

Today I was okay, even happy, with organizing Landon's clothes. Today I thought about what my second son, our third child, will look like in those clothes.

Sometimes I think we must really be crazy. Like, totally off-our-rocker, what-the-heck-could-we-possibly-be-thinking crazy.

We know we want three kids, and that it will be such a blessing from the Lord. But wow. Two is already a lot and Charlotte's not even crawling yet! This morning was an interesting "Is it naptime yet?" kind of a morning. With about 5 temper tauntrums under my belt, lots of tears, hugs, and a big ole' patch of puke on my shoulder, this morning was somethin' else.

And yes, I want another one. ;)

And the craziness doesn't just stop with the emotional joys, tolls and everything else along the way. The craziness is the $30,000 it's going to cost to bring our second son home. The craziness is we don't have an extra $30,000 to speak of (let alone a quarter of that!). Good grief, we're crazy.

But God is faithful. His Word reminds me that with Him, all things are possible (Matt. 19:26). And His heart is for the orphan (John 14:18, James 1:27, Psalm 68:5, 82:3, amongst others). I know that while I might not be able, He is. We're so excited to watch this miracle unfold. To see what our great God will do and how He'll bring His will to pass.

We're so excited to start this journey of international adoption! We're hoping to adopt our son from Colombia. There are still SO many details to work out, but we're just trying to trust God that He'll provide for everything our family needs. Got in touch with Bethany (adoption agency) and we agreed that we'd get back in touch in December or January to fill out a formal application. Right now, praying and fundraising! :)