If something lines up with God's word and you have the heart to go ahead and follow it, I do not believe God will say "no". "Not yet", or "Not in the way you were thinking", but not "No."

This adoption process has felt like a "No", but I can't trust my feelings. I know that my heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9...can I get an amen?!)

God's clear about His heart for the orphans, His very own adoption plan for us that have been reconciled to Himself through the blood of Jesus Christ.

God wants us to follow Him with abandon. So, here we are Lord. I don't think you're saying "No"...but what are you saying?

Maybe we were holding on too tightly to what we thought was the "right" decision for our family. Jason and I have talked about this at length. We thought Colombia would be the best decision for us, and that it would be fine if we went ahead and proceeded that way. But maybe that's not at all where we're suppose to bring our child home from.

Maybe we're too narrow-minded. Maybe our scope simply wasn't wide enough.

Going back a couple of days ago, through a series of events, I had a thought: a big part of our hearts our in Africa. Yes, it's a continent, not a country. I'm pain-stakingly aware. Jason and I met in South Africa on a mission trip and have since had longings to go back and explore the whole entire land that is Africa! No place else on earth tugs at my heart strings like Africa. Whenever I hear or see anything related to that beautiful continent, a piece of me just jumps up and shouts "yes!! I relate with that. I LOVE that land." I don't know how else to explain it.

I've been asked my good friends "I'm suprised you don't want to adopt from a country in Africa..?"

With tears in my eyes, let me share with you the honest truth.

I have fears. Deep fears. And however normal they are to adoptive parents, and commonplace in most people's experience of adoption, it scares the crap outta me. Namely, what if I don't love my child that came to us through adoption like Landon and Charlotte? What if they come home and I turn out to be this horrible mother that is trying to put on a good show but everyone can see the genuine love isn't there? Maybe love for A child but not as my OWN child...? What if I'm really not as loving as my Savior calls me to be? That I long to be?

And so, my thought was "maybe if we adopt from a country where they child as somewhat similar skintone, it'll come easier". I know. Horrible. Awful. Like, do people really think these things?! Yep. Apparently I do

Deep concerns and fears (some healthy, others not) creep up like: how will our child clearly of another race be treated? At school? In our community? At our church? Will they be able to handle it? Will I?...How can I protect them? Show them they're beautiful, just how God intended them to be, in our white-as-all-white family? How will my family react?

I long to be the kind of woman, Christ-follower, mother that loves unconditionally. And I'm begining to realize (with the strong encouragement from my husband) that despite my fears, I think I can and will love an adopted child, our child just as I love our biological children, by the grace of God. It may not come overnight. Maybe not even a couple of weeks. But, I can come. I've heard too many encouraging stories.

Ethiopia is an open country, meaning you can currently adopt from there. We're thinking Ethiopia - are YOU the country that our son is from?? So pray with us as we enter into this vastness of the unknown, the uncomfortable...the walking by faith. Wanting to be right where God wants us, with hearts wide-open to His plan.